Letters To My Beloved Strigoi Mentor
by TrulyMadHatter
Summary: Love can mean many different things and be expressed in many different ways. For Rose, her emotions take the form of a letter that will never be sent.
1. Chapter 1

**Well, this I my first Vampire Academy FanFiction. And that's it, really, I guess. I hope you enjoy! Oh, and don't forget to review!**

**Disclaimer: I. Do. Not. Own. Vampire. Academy. I can't put it any simpler than that. If I did, do you really think Dimitri would be Strigoi?**

_And you can do no wrong  
In my eyes  
In my eyes  
You can do no wrong  
In my eyes  
In my eyes_

A drunken salesman  
Your hearing damage  
Your mind is restless  
They say you_'re getting better  
But you don't feel any better_

_**Hearing Damage – Thom Yorke**_

"What?" I asked, totally confused. She could _not _have just said what I thought she just said. The school had decided to make me go to therapy. Again. Apparently, my experience had traumatised me. Well, whatever…

"You heard me. I want you to write a letter to the man we discussed. You said he's been sending you letters, and anyway, I think it would be helpful. You need to sort out your feelings, and writing them out on paper can be very therapeutic."

"Huh?" I stared at the woman in bewilderment. Sometimes I wished I still had Deirdre. She might have been into talking about difficult subjects, but at least all she did was ask me uncomfortable questions, not give me homework!

"Uh, isn't that the tiniest bit stupid? We're talking about a man who's essentially dead here." Well, technically he was undead, but let's not argue semantics. He was also trying his very best to have me killed. I, meanwhile, was attempting to save him whilst also taking my final exams. Whoever said being a teenager was fun was very, very wrong. I am not joking.

"You don't have to send it." She said, looking as if her suggestion was the most natural thing in the world. She kind of looked affronted at my comment. I don't know why, it wasn't like she was getting stalked by an angry Strigoi intent on killing her. It sounded so bad when you put it like that…

I sighed. "I'm not getting out of this, am I?" She shook her head. I was tempted to rip her head off. However, I have learnt some self control, courtesy of Dimitri. How ironic that he was now the one chasing me. I huffed, and threw my head back, staring around the room.

It wasn't as nice as Deirdre's room. There weren't any of her supposedly soothing nature pictures. It was quite a dark, depressing room, actually. The woman was too – she looked about sixty, and wore shawls and long skirts, beads swinging manically around her neck. Her hair was grey, and usually pulled back in an untidy bun. She was a Moroi, so that meant she was pale and thin, except she just ended up looking like a particularly demented Praying Mantis. Her eyes were kind of frightening, too. Almost like black pebbles, that sunk into her heavily wrinkled face. In short, she was nowhere near as pretty as Deirdre. She was also much more prone to strange ideas like this.

She peered at me over her old-lady glasses. "Rose, as your counsellor, I insist you do this. I think it will help, and the Headmistress and Guardian Petrov want you to have help with your problems. I'm here to help. Not make you do unnecessary things. I think this letter is a good idea." She said firmly, with a nod of her head. Nope. No getting out of this. I may have muttered a comment about this being the stupidest thing ever, but then again, I might not have.

"Fine. Can I go now?" I growled, glaring at her.

"Yes." She said primly. "And Rose? I expect a proper letter, not the same word scrawled five hundred times. I will be checking!" She smirked, feeling witty. Well, whatever. I'll just make up some crap like I do for all my other assignments. Ha. Then she can't moan at me.

"Uh-huh." I pushed open the door and made my way to the Dorm. It was nearing curfew, and it wasn't like I had anything better to do. Lissa was off being introduced to random Royals for the Queen, and Adrian had gone with her, due to the Queens delusions about their non-existent relationship. It always made me laugh. Lissa was still heartbroken over Christian, and Adrian fancied me. Yes, really stable groundings for a relationship. And anyway, I was kind of with Adrian now, so…

********

I stopped outside the entrance of the Dorm, thinking about Adrian. He would never replace Dimitri in my heart, of course, but our 'relationship', if you could call it that, was fun. He didn't make my heart race, or my skin tingle, like Dimitri did, but he made me feel less alone, and he made me feel better. Not perfect and wonderful like Dimitri did, but better. He knew al of this, but he still wanted me, and I couldn't deny it, it did make me feel good. It was nice to know someone still found me desirable, apart from a sadistic Strigoi, and especially when I felt almost…hollow.

Yes, hollow, that was it. Like I'd lost a part of myself that was very important. Essentially, I had. Me and Dimitri fit like two halves to one whole, however corny that sounded, and in losing him, I could never feel normal again. Which was why I was trying my hardest to find a way to save him. He didn't deserve this heartless, soulless existence, and I would save him.

I bit my lip, and opened the Dorm door and nearly flew up the stairs. I wanted to be alone, to think. My room was a good place to do that, and when I got into my room I almost sighed in relief. It sometimes felt like I was surrounded by people, and add a Psychic bond to the mix and you have a recipe for a very stressed Rose.

Don't get me wrong, I loved my friends and was grateful for the bond that kept Lissa safe, but it felt like they were treating me as I was fragile, easily broken. I wasn't. I was just heartbroken, in a way, and stressed. Which was why I'd been putting my blocks up against Lissa more. I just couldn't deal with her problems as well as mine all the time.

It was relaxing to be totally alone, for once. Not to have to pretend I was totally fine and that nothing could touch me, the invincible Rose. It was good to consider _my _feelings for once, not Lissa's, not anyone else's. Maybe I could start on the stupid letter, get it out of the way. There was nothing else to do. I grabbed a pen and paper, and sat down at the desk to write.

*********

_Dear Dimitri, _I scribbled, feeling foolish.

_I don't know why I'm actually writing this. It's not like you'll ever read this, so why do you care? My counsellor's making me do this. You remember when I had one because of Mason and everything? Yeah, I have another one and she's very weird. I have to talk to someone because, apparently, I'm traumatised._

_I'm not. I just miss you. I miss the real you. The one who loved me. The one who actually cared about me, and wanted me to be happy. The one who made my breath catch, and made me smile. I don't smile so much anymore, not really. I laugh a lot, but it's empty. How can I laugh when I know I failed you?_

_That's why when I heard there was a way to save a Strigoi, I had to find out about it. You'd kill me if you knew what I'm planning to do. I'm going to bust Victor Dashkov out of jail, which is kind of ironic, considering how much Lissa and I hate him. But I'd do anything for the smallest chance at saving you, you know. And if that means helping my biggest enemy (apart from Strigoi), then so be it. _

_I still love you so much. It hurts, because you're not here to tell me you love me, or call me Roza, or even glance at me. You're just not here, and it's like there's a hole in my life. That's painful, you know. It is excruciating at times. But you know me. It's not like I'm going to complain, because Lissa needs me, and it's not like an illness, is it?_

_I've agreed to be Adrian's 'girlfriend'. It doesn't mean I love you any less, and sometimes I feel guilty, but he's helped me so much. And anyway, you're not here, so you shouldn't judge me. He makes me feel better, sometimes, and…well, he cares about me. It's nice to be cared about. He's wonderful, but I miss the fireworks I had with you. The utter certainty of knowing you were the one for me, and I was the one for you. I miss you._

_I'm sometimes angry with you. I mean, how could you let him get you! We were supposed to be together – we had it all figured out! But mostly, I blame myself. If I'd just ignored my mother and gone back to the caves, well maybe you'd be here with me now. But it doesn't help anyone to think of the 'what ifs', least of all you._

_So I guess what I'm trying to say is I promise to try and save you. I miss you. I love you. I want you. I wish you weren't Strigoi. I wish you were here with me. They're all meaningless words, but to me they mean too much. There is nothing that can make me feel better, and I don't think there will be until you come back._

_And, Dimitri? I forgive you. It's not your fault that you became Strigoi, and kidnapped me. I know it wasn't you. I forgive you everything._

_I love you_

_Rose_

_PS I know this is mushy and unbelievably un-Rose like, but it's all true._

**********

I sat back, shocked at how easy it had been to write that. I hadn't realised the counsellor could be right. My feelings kind of did make sense. Damn, that stupid counsellor was right! But now I knew I could do anything to save Dimitri, and that even though the odds were stacked against me, I would get through it. I would be Lissa's Guardian, even if I had to murder the Queen to get my way, and I would save Dimitri.

I knew I would.

**Well, what do you think? I'm intending to do Dimitri's point of view too, so, yeah. Please review! (I did ask nicely…)**

**Oh yeah, if you liked this, and you read Twilight fanfiction, go read City of Delusion. I'm co writing it with my friend and it needs love! Please? *Does Puppy Dog Eyes***


	2. Chapter 2

**AN****: So here it is, the second chapter. I hope you enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: I own all five of the Vampire Academy books. Unfortunately, this does not mean I actually own Vampire Academy. That belongs to Richelle Mead, who is kind enough to share her imaginary friends with us.**

**Rose's POV**

Hmm. Writing that letter had been therapeutic, but that didn't mean I was admitting that to my counsellor. I guess I'm writing another letter. Feeling devious, I ripped another piece of paper out of my notebook and started another letter. This one would be _very_ different. Huh, I suddenly feel the need to cackle evilly. Okay, I'm worried now…

Half an hour later, I was finished, and smirking down at a new letter. This one would be the one I'd give to my counsellor, Joan. Yes, I know, it really did suit her. Anyway, moving on with the letter. She was mad if she actually thought she was going to see my private feelings. What I felt for Dimitri was personal, and she had no right to be sticking her bony nose into my business. Plus, I'd kind of alluded to my secret plans involving a convicted criminal. I don't think that would go down well, not if I still wanted to be Lissa's Guardian.

I sighed. As usual, the two most important people in my life were taking over my brain. I knew I was holding onto a very slim chance of being able to get Dimitri back, but it didn't stop me from hoping. Didn't stop me from obsessing about it, either.

I rolled my eyes at my own lovesick musing. If I kept this up, I was going to turn into Lissa, who was still totally in love with Christian. She wouldn't admit it though, oh no. God forbid either one of them should try and reconcile with the other. I was really going to have to do something about their relationship – it was getting on my nerves how Lissa refused to speak to him, but still ended up looking (and feeling) like a lost puppy whenever she saw him. I would know. I invade her mind regularly.

The next day, I thumped down in my seat in the counsellor's office (I refused to call her by her first name when she asked me whether Dimitri was a figment of my imagination. I told you she was odd.). She looked up from the book she was reading and raised an eyebrow.

"Why must you always be so violent, Rose? It's not good for your spiritual wellbeing. You'll upset your chakras." She sighed, and shook her head. See, I told you she wasn't normal. Who the hell goes on about chakras? **AN: Ha, my dad talks about crap like this all the time.**

I attempted to raise my eyebrow back her. I don't think it worked as she just looked at me, nonplussed. "I have to be violent. It's in the job description. And I've done the homework. Just like you ordered." That last part was under my breath. I was secretly grinning, though. I couldn't wait to see what she thought of my 'letter'.

"Well done, Rose. It wasn't homework, though – this was to help your mind release its pain. How can that be called homework?" She cried, looking more like a stick insect than ever.

"Well it was work, and I did it at home." I pointed out. Nevermind the fact that the Academy won't be my home soon.

She shook her head in exasperation (she told me that she found anger a useless emotion. Yeah, right.). "Very well, Rose. Hand it over." She looked at me, hand out expectantly. I reluctantly 'handed it over'. She was quiet for a few minutes, eyes scanning what I had written. I had to keep myself from laughing when her eyes started to bug out. She gave a startled little laugh, and put a hand to her mouth. "Um, very good, Rose. Did it, uh," she swallowed. "Did it have to be so…," she struggled to find the right word. "Uh, graphic?" I couldn't stop myself then, and I allowed the big, shit-eating grin to encompass my face.

I nodded seriously, though and said: "Oh yes, I felt I simply had to describe how to kill Strigoi in detail. And," I added calmly, "I felt that the person I addressed the letter to had to know about my sex life in detail. Although," This time I paused for effect, "I suppose I could have toned down the vivid description of the last time I took part in S&M a bit." I shrugged and smiled innocently up at her. "You wanted me to write down my feelings, so I don't see any problems. Goodbye." With that, I gathered up my things, and left her with a look of stupendous shock on her face. Closing the door, I burst out into hysterical giggles. Yeah, that felt good…

**Dimitri's POV**

_it's bugging me, grating me  
and twisting me around  
yeah I'm endlessly caving in  
and turning inside out_

'cause I want it now  
I want it now  
give me your heart and your soul  
and I'm breaking out  
I'm breaking out  
last chance to lose control

yeah it's holding me, morphing me  
and forcing me to strive  
to be endlessly cold within  
and dreaming I'm alive

**Muse – Hysteria**

I hated this… obsession. Why this idiotic, maddening, beautiful girl had to take over my mind, I didn't know. I just knew that she was mine, and that anyone else who even touched her would end up dying extremely painfully. She. Was. Mine.

Such a shame that I would have to kill her.

Oh, I knew that I could forcibly turn her into a Strigoi, but she'd already refused when I, very kindly, gave her the choice. She was too dangerous now. I couldn't allow her to live in this world while I survived. True, it would be a very long eternity without my Roza, but it's predator and prey. And I will always be the strongest predator. Rose just doesn't understand that.

She'd also helped win me all the power I now possessed, and for that gift, I would make her death merciful. Oh, but I would enjoy finally having her to myself, as I held her dying body in my arms. She would look gorgeous even in death, that I was sure of. Ah, to think of what we might have accomplished together as Strigoi! Still, what's done is done, and I must do this.

Oh, it would break my little dhampir heart, but, well, he wasn't in control anymore. The freedom of Strigoihood was compelling – I could do anything I wanted, and no one could stop me. Something I'd never had as a dhampir.

Truly, I was no different to the Dimitri I had been before, I just had different desires. And it was so frustrating that Rose would not, could not understand this! All day long I thought of her, and I knew if I could dream, it would be of her. Always _her_. She captivated me, and I couldn't even contemplate _not_ wanting her.

And for this reason, I had to take her life. It would only be by my hand – I couldn't stand the idea of another taking her life from her. It would be like sacrilege. She was a goddess, in my mind, my memories of her now warring with the ones from my dhampir life.

It was all so confusing! My dhampir side struggled in the back of my mind, calling out how I should be protecting her, not murdering her! And the memories, oh God, the memories. Always, always the one and only time we had sex played in the back of my mind, torturing me, so, so tantalising in all its glory. And other things, too – how she'd told me she loved me, even as she tried to kill me, how much I loved her.

It was all kind of strange to me, really. I had been so very consumed by her, but it wasn't the obsession I had for her now. And did I love her? Well, in the Strigoi way, yes, yes I did love her. And that made everything else so damn complicated. One part of me screamed for the release of killing her, and yet the other, oh, the other, called for her love.

Who was she to have this kind of power over me? I almost hated her sometimes – the sick feeling of love and lust making me go crazy, and yet…I would always want her.

With a growl, I chucked the chair I'd been sitting on across the floor. Why the hell was I sitting here like an idiot, pining for my lost love when I could be feeding, or better yet, planning her death? I stalked out of the room, not noticing the human servant who cowered in my presence as I strode towards the exit.

When I got out, I found the night to be pleasantly cool, with a light breeze that made my heavy coat swish around my ankles. Rose had always called it my cowboy coat. With a sigh, I pinched the bridge of my nose – I needed to stop focusing on her!

I would scout one of the clubs I usually fed from, I decided. One of my many spies might report to me there, if they actually had anything to report. I snorted derisively – they could be so incompetent, even though they knew not to anger me. So I went, the club's lights getting brighter as I approached. I knew it had been a good idea to follow Rose to America. The humans in the clubs there usually drunk than normal, which made my job even easier. Not that it was much of a task, anyway. Humans are notoriously stupid.

As I actually got into the club, I scanned the crowds, looking for someone who might be worthy of my attention. There was no one, as normal – they were all so dull. But I had to take someone. The thirst was deep tonight, after all, and I didn't want to deny myself.

Just then, someone tapped my shoulder. "Looking for a date, honey?" One of the many prostitutes here purred. "I could make you feel goooood" She drawled, and I felt my eyebrow rise. Yeah, like she could make me feel good. But she'd do, and there were other women. Plus, no one'd miss a hooker.

I let a slow smile slide across my face, and I slid an arm around her shoulders. "As a matter of fact, yes I am looking for…something." I told her. I didn't have to let her know exactly what it was I was looking for.

"Sure. Wanna go out back?" She asked, winking. "My name's Chrissie, by the way." I nodded, and looked 'Chrissie' up and down, not really caring what I saw. She had long, dyed blonde hair straggling down her back, and her tan came from a bottle. On closer inspection, she looked older than she had first appeared, but what did that matter? Her dress, if you could call it that, was skin tight and made of some shiny, sparkly, silver material, with no back and a neckline that plunged all the way to her waist. And she'd obviously had some work done, too, as her tits were _way_ too perky for her age.

In short, she was nothing like Rose, so she was perfect. I followed her out the club, noticing how her big, pale brown eyes reminded me of a cow. When we got to the alleyway, she stopped and smirked up at me, anticipating my next move. I just gave her a cold smile and moved down on her neck, striking hard like a cobra. Within minutes she was dead.

Licking the last of the blood off my lips, I looked dispassionately down at the woman's corpse, satisfied with my meal. I glanced upwards to find someone staring at me curiously, shuffling their feet. Someone I knew to be one of my spies.

"Well?" I said impatiently. I didn't have all the time in the world.

He shuffled his feet again, and looked down at his hands. "The girl is still safe in the Academy, sir. I wouldn't advise you going after her now. I did find out that she will be going through her trials in little under a week, though, sir." He said all of this in a rush, words tripping over each other in his haste to get them out. He was terrified and that irritated me.

In a second I had the human up against the wall by his throat. "Anything else to report? Or are you so pathetic, you can't even get me information I don't already know?" I glared at him, infuriated that he was so useless.

As he trembled and gibbered, I smelt the very strong sent of piss as he wet himself. I dropped him in disgust. "Can you not even control your own bodily functions? You're lucky I'm feeling kind tonight. Go. And if you don't do a better job next time, I will not hesitate to have you killed. Now go!" I murmured silkily. The man scrambled up, and stumbled away, as fast as he could. Idiot.

So I would have to wait a little longer for my Roza, then. But that time would go fast, and soon she'd be mine again. I'm coming, Roza…

**AN****: So what do you think? Good, bad, middling? Be nice, if you going to leave a review, I 'm sensitive. ;) Ooh, and what did people think of Spirit Bound? I'm still in shock! And a bit scared, because what I put in the last chapter was kind of prophetic…**


End file.
